Shia LaBeouf: Likable, cute, Jewish, Hollywood "It" boy

Is there any way he can avoid becoming Josh Charles?

American Idol castoff Jason Castro:

Further proof that, in the eternal struggle of talent vs. ganja, pot is king.

Everyone wants Big Brown to win the 2008 Triple Crown:

Except maybe Barack Obama, who probably thinks it'd make things a little weird in the record books.

So apparently there are doctors who can say 'Aciphex' with a straight face, but I really don't see how:

NBC to confirm Jimmy Fallon as Conan's replacement:

Jimmy Fallon & Carson Daly back-to-back every night?
At least I won't have to take those sleeping pills anymore.

Kristi Yamaguchi is perfect on Dancing With the Stars!!

So did everyone forget that she already won an Olympic gold medal for the exact same skill?

(Only back then, it was with 1/2" blades to balance on, a slippery sheet of ice to fall on, and the constant risk of severe head trauma to keep her one fart away from crapping through her nude pantyhose.)

The death of 'Monk' actor Stanley Kamel:

Really screws up that movie I was writing where Chris Kattan travels through time and battles his future self.

Transformers, Speed Racer & the new GI Joe movie:

Three reasons why you should never get a tattoo from your favorite childhood cartoon.

I guess the only "talent" required to get on Gossip Girl....

Is having a ridiculously preppy name.

Hey ABC, way to burn off "Miss Guided" in 3 weeks....

By the time people hear how fun and witty it is, it's off the air! BRILLIANT!

7th Heaven's Barry Watson finally got another role on TV:

Presumably by telling the casting agent at Samantha Who that he was Deadwood star Timothy Olyphant.

I knew that one day Charlton Heston would die & I would feel bad about all the horrible things I've said about his support of David Duke & the NRA....

But it turns out I was wrong.

MTV's "Rock the Cradle"

For singers who are so bad regular nepotism didn't work.

With all due respect to 'pregnant man' Thomas Beatie....

Cutting off your breasts and taking testosterone - while leaving your female sexual & reproductive organs totally intact - does not a man make.

But I guess it's hard to book a media tour when you're just another pregnant lady with facial hair.

Miley Cyrus: Not Getting Any Cuter

Seems like a sweet kid and all, but I give her 5 years before she looks like the love child of Marty Feldman & Shelley Duvall.

The Best Movie of 2008: Adam Carolla's 'The Hammer'

No, this is not an April Fools' joke. That would be dumb.
Now Saran wrap over a toilet bowl: That's an April Fools' joke.

If people weren't so afraid of being called racist....

They'd admit how disconcerting Obama's purple lips are.

Future Fat: A Prognosis

Symptoms of this slow-moving disease (also known as GingerRogersitis) are first detectable in the faces of many young starlets.

Hey Beastie Boys, Radiohead and MTV:

It's time to get all that "Free Tibet" bullshit you forgot about going again.

Ed Hardy: When Celebrities Punk Themselves

One day, a dude from Von Dutch walks up to some old-ass man and says, "Hey Grandpa, I bet I can get everyone and their mother's personal assistant to wear your name with these hideous graphics, head-to-toe, for like 5 years....." The old man says, "Whaaaaaa?" A fashion giant is born.



The con man was Christian Audigier. The fossil was Ron "Ed" Hardy. The dumbass was anyone who ever paid to be a walking billboard for this ridiculous scam.

Fun facts from an Irish Catholic on St. Patrick's Day:

The shamrock is a symbol of the Holy Trinity.
The four-leaf clover is a shamrock with a birth defect.



St. Patrick supposedly drove the snakes out of Ireland.
But there never were snakes in Ireland.



An Irish carbomb is a drink of Jameson, Bailey's & Guinness.
A beer bottle is what will hit you in the face if you ask for this drink while in Ireland.

Apparently, this year voters like their American Idols....

Scary: Crazy: Irish: Fat:

Screamy: Semi-Retarded: Ugly:

Dirty: Stupid: Australian:

and Freakishly Small: .

You know, anything but gay.

War's "Why Can't We Be Friends" - The Translated Lyrics

I seen you 'round for a long long time
Hi, I'm your stalker.
I really 'membered you when you drink my wine
I'm a selfish drunk who holds grudges forever.
I seen you walkin' down in Chinatown
When I was stalking you.
I called you but you could not look around
Why won't you look at me? I'm not crazy or anything.
I bring my money to the welfare line
I like to show off to poor people; I'm kind of a dick like that.
I see you standing in it every time
But I see a lot of weird shit, so who knows if you're really there.
The color of your skin don't matter to me
It's the color of your nipples that really bothers me.
As long as we can live in harmony
"Harmony" is what I call the 10'x10' dungeon in my basement.
I'd kinda like to be the President
Did I mention I'm also a bit of a sociopath?
So I can show you how your money's spent
It's spent on war. (No, not the band playing this song. The thing with guns and bombs.)
Sometimes I don't speak too bright
Which is why I thought I'd make a good President.
but yet I know what I'm talking about
You're not the boss of me. I'm the f**king President!
I know you're working for the CIA
It is not a conspiracy theory. Please stop saying that.
They wouldn't have you in the Mafia
Did I say you? I meant me. That goddamn elitist Mafia.
Why can't we be friends?
I just get so lonely sometimes.
Why can't we be friends?
Seriously, I won't call after 10 or act weird around your other friends or anything.
Why can't we be friends?
Don't be such an asshole.... Wait, I didn't mean to say that. Where are you going? I love you.
Why can't we be friends?
OK, fine. How about close acquaintances?

I wonder if Khloe Kardashian is mad....

That she didn't get a part in 10,000 BC.

Dear Vampire Weekend: You are a ska band.

Saying you invented a genre called "Upper West Side Soweto" makes you seem delusional, pretentious and racist.

This isn't helped by the fact that your lead singer looks and dresses like the Kennedy kid who raped a woman & fled the country.... And the Kennedy kid who raped his babysitter & skied into a tree.... And, come to think of it, the Kennedy kid who bashed that little girl in the head with a golf club....

All I'm saying is you might wanna turn the douchebag dial down to 11 before your concerts start filling up with angry South Africans and the fathers of pregnant teenagers.

Best Week Ever's Jessica St. Clair:

Like Chelsea Handler, only funny.

Matty from Fear Factor, Weakest Link & Big Brother 9:

It's as if someone asked God what the word 'DUH' meant & he said, "Here, let me just show you...."

Sure, Dina Lohan & Lynne Spears are terrible mothers, but what about THESE assholes....

Terri Irwin, mother of BindiBot:

She says her 3-yr-old son Bob "was so proud to have copped his first hit" when bitten recently by a boa constrictor. I don't want to cross a line here, but does this woman plan to feed her entire family to wildlife?

Johanna Visschedyk, mother of 'pint-size paparazzo' Austin:

It's 4 am on a school night.... do you know where your 14-year-old child is?
"Yeah, he's standing outside Hyde with a bunch of coke dealers trying to get an upskirt of Kate Bosworth. What's it to you?"


Jarnette Fuller, "mother" of Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen:



I would say this woman - whose daughters of barely 21 have already run through every vice in Hollywood - is the worst mother in showbiz. But I think we're all in agreement that the Olsen twins were actually raised as a part of some secret government program and they, in fact, never had parents to begin with. So this one's a draw.

A natural disaster few in Astoria could survive:

The nuclear reaction of uber-hipness that would occur if alternative comedian Rebecca Drysdale & club DJ Samantha Ronson ever started dating.

Hey Republicans,

I'm glad you realize who you should've voted for 8 years ago...

Now don't make us live with another one of your mistakes.

Cancellation Countdown 2008:

2 weeks - The CW's Pussycat Dolls Present: UNWATCHABLICIOUS

Dear Brad Renfro,

We regret to inform you that you have not been selected to be a participant in this year's death montage. While there were many deserving candidates, we simply have neither the time nor the resources to feature every single person in the film industry who died this year.

Perhaps next time, you should try accidentally killing yourself with Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Diazepam, Temazepam, Alprazolam & Doxylamine instead of heroin. We wish you the best of luck in all your posthumous endeavors, and thank you for your interest in our montage.

Sincerely,
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences